Loving where I am but attempting to get back to what I know....

......is what's been heavy on my mind.  I will start by saying, I don't want to sound ungrateful. I'm not. Everyday I am thankful for the sea, the palms, my love, our house, our little part of this amazing island....I am blessed to have this opportunity to open my own business doing what I love...and believe me, I am excited. Super excited.
I have been back in Panama for about a week after a 3 week hiatus in the states.  While at home, I caught up on tv I haven't been able to watch here (most notably GLEE, Gossip Girl &  that cancelled broadway show SMASH), made a little bit of money and went through about a trigillion old pictures. I started feeling super sentimental for my "old" life, the part of my life that was not that long ago really....4 months? It seemed so far away. So not a part of this "new", different life......
I miss auditioning. I miss the anticipation of a call from my agent. I miss singing in shitty bars and at ridiculous corporate events. I miss my friends. I miss la. I miss performing.  I miss the possibility...... that's what it is...the "possibility" of something....in la you never know what's around the corner. There, my life could change in a day. Just like that, my dreams could come true. Who knows....
Now don't get me wrong, I am living a dream of mine. Owning a home on a caribbean island and having my own business is a huge accomplishment. But with that accomplishment comes another dream being pushed to the side. Temporarily. I have to keep telling myself that. It's only temporary.
I've never been the type of person that could sit still. I'm always on the go and this feeling of permanence is totally fucking with me.  I love it here but I have other dreams as well. This is not my "Be all and end all"  (That would be Broadway and I am perfect for Rock of Ages) I mean, a girl can have more than one dream right?  I seriously had a little panic attack last night.  I need to be performing. I need to be on stage. It might sound silly to some but other performers understand....it's a feeling like no other. It's what I have known for so long and now, it's gone. It's not really a part of my life. I'm dealing with the loss of it. I'm acknowledging that I need it and that as much as I love this life, I can't live without it.Instead I'm in a kitchen cooking. So different.
 So how do I reconcile my feelings and desires to what I'm living? My hope is that my business is successful and I can go back and forth. Live both parts of me. I mean no one really has just one part of them anyway right? The island loving, bikini wearing, no tv having self is just as much a part of me as the city girl who loves shoes, watching tv and broadway musicals.  Maybe I'll just start a theatre company here and teach local kids the songs from RENT.  hahahahahha .....I'll play Maureen, naturally :) ! Ooooooooo maybe I'll perform on my deck to the palm trees the songs of Les Miz. I've always wanted to play Eponine. Maybe when I'm in the city, I'll take a break from my television and take off my stilettos and go barefoot....I seriously feel like 2 different people. It's so strange. I'll tell you one thing....it does make me excited to go home. And by "home" I mean which ever place I have not been living. Hopefully my hiatus from Los Angeles won't be too long annnnnnnnnnnnd hopefully I will learn to enjoy where I am at this moment. It's peaceful here and I am happy. Now I must go dig around in the dirt and plant some beautiful basil I am growing. I'll listen to some showtunes as I do it :)

The Panama Project Bocas Del Toro Episode 20

The latest!

My prawns are bigger than yours....

HUGE, in fact.  Derek, a local fishmonger, sold me amazing prawns.  I wish you could see how big but like, those kind of prawns you would only see in a steak house where the martinis are big, the expense accounts are bigger and the egos are gi-normous. Bigger than my hand big. These pictures show no damn scale so you can't tell.  Maybe I should have put a quarter or whatever in the photo to show you....Ok, you get it.  The price per lb was of course, ridiculously small compared to the size so yeah....
We had green shrimp curry one night, pineapple habanero prawns another, and then there were 4 left....
I had never made a seafood bisque so why not try. I had the necessary items on hand...heavy cream, check....crushed tomatoes, check....stock, check (I made a stock from the lobster shells in the previous post) and prawns bigger than my ass.
Not hard folks and so delicious. I threw the tomatoes in the cuisinart to break them down a bit, added them to the  simmering stock and seasoned with salt, pepper, and a little cayenne. Next I added the cream (and the calories, unforch but who the hell cares) Cream is delicious.  I was supposed to add some brandy but I didn't have any so I skipped the booze part. Apparently brandy doesn't exist here. No biggie. I had marinated the shrimp in the shells with olive oil, garlic and red chili flakes.  I then sauteed them just shy of pink bc they will continue to cook in the hot soup.
When the flavors of the bisque were where I wanted them, I added a touch of butter. Two prawns were cut up and I left two whole for garnish. I placed the cut up pieces on the bottom on the bowl and poured the soup around the pile.  Then the whole prawn sat on top and it looked lovely I might add.
It tasted like it was made in a restaurant. I swear the lobster stock made all the difference. We had leftovers the next day and leftovers after that but we were all bisqued out.......SOOOOO I tranformed the 2 day old soup (soup gets even more yummy after a day) into something else.....next post please!

Oh and BTW ....that's homemade bread. Check out Jim Lahey's book. I'll do a post on it.

My acting reel.....

The Panama Project Bocas Del Toro Episode 18

Island Lobster Dinner

Here in Bocas it isn't uncommon for a fisherman to just come to your door and ask you if you'd like to look at his catch.  It's pretty awesome actually. A few days ago, we had a local guy, Michael, ask us if we wanted any lobster. He had 4 (3lb) lovelies at a dollar a pound. Yep, a dollar a pound.  We bought two. Dinner!
I also incorporated some fresh coconuts from our yard into the dish. Not too shabby.....

The Pixies

Finally edited a little bit of the show back in November together....I have loved them since I was a teenager. So amazing live!