Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Loving where I am but attempting to get back to what I know....
......is what's been heavy on my mind. I will start by saying, I don't want to sound ungrateful. I'm not. Everyday I am thankful for the sea, the palms, my love, our house, our little part of this amazing island....I am blessed to have this opportunity to open my own business doing what I love...and believe me, I am excited. Super excited.
I have been back in Panama for about a week after a 3 week hiatus in the states. While at home, I caught up on tv I haven't been able to watch here (most notably GLEE, Gossip Girl & that cancelled broadway show SMASH), made a little bit of money and went through about a trigillion old pictures. I started feeling super sentimental for my "old" life, the part of my life that was not that long ago really....4 months? It seemed so far away. So not a part of this "new", different life......
I miss auditioning. I miss the anticipation of a call from my agent. I miss singing in shitty bars and at ridiculous corporate events. I miss my friends. I miss la. I miss performing. I miss the possibility...... that's what it is...the "possibility" of something....in la you never know what's around the corner. There, my life could change in a day. Just like that, my dreams could come true. Who knows....
Now don't get me wrong, I am living a dream of mine. Owning a home on a caribbean island and having my own business is a huge accomplishment. But with that accomplishment comes another dream being pushed to the side. Temporarily. I have to keep telling myself that. It's only temporary.
I've never been the type of person that could sit still. I'm always on the go and this feeling of permanence is totally fucking with me. I love it here but I have other dreams as well. This is not my "Be all and end all" (That would be Broadway and I am perfect for Rock of Ages) I mean, a girl can have more than one dream right? I seriously had a little panic attack last night. I need to be performing. I need to be on stage. It might sound silly to some but other performers understand....it's a feeling like no other. It's what I have known for so long and now, it's gone. It's not really a part of my life. I'm dealing with the loss of it. I'm acknowledging that I need it and that as much as I love this life, I can't live without it.Instead I'm in a kitchen cooking. So different.
So how do I reconcile my feelings and desires to what I'm living? My hope is that my business is successful and I can go back and forth. Live both parts of me. I mean no one really has just one part of them anyway right? The island loving, bikini wearing, no tv having self is just as much a part of me as the city girl who loves shoes, watching tv and broadway musicals. Maybe I'll just start a theatre company here and teach local kids the songs from RENT. hahahahahha .....I'll play Maureen, naturally :) ! Ooooooooo maybe I'll perform on my deck to the palm trees the songs of Les Miz. I've always wanted to play Eponine. Maybe when I'm in the city, I'll take a break from my television and take off my stilettos and go barefoot....I seriously feel like 2 different people. It's so strange. I'll tell you one thing....it does make me excited to go home. And by "home" I mean which ever place I have not been living. Hopefully my hiatus from Los Angeles won't be too long annnnnnnnnnnnd hopefully I will learn to enjoy where I am at this moment. It's peaceful here and I am happy. Now I must go dig around in the dirt and plant some beautiful basil I am growing. I'll listen to some showtunes as I do it :)
I have been back in Panama for about a week after a 3 week hiatus in the states. While at home, I caught up on tv I haven't been able to watch here (most notably GLEE, Gossip Girl & that cancelled broadway show SMASH), made a little bit of money and went through about a trigillion old pictures. I started feeling super sentimental for my "old" life, the part of my life that was not that long ago really....4 months? It seemed so far away. So not a part of this "new", different life......
I miss auditioning. I miss the anticipation of a call from my agent. I miss singing in shitty bars and at ridiculous corporate events. I miss my friends. I miss la. I miss performing. I miss the possibility...... that's what it is...the "possibility" of something....in la you never know what's around the corner. There, my life could change in a day. Just like that, my dreams could come true. Who knows....
Now don't get me wrong, I am living a dream of mine. Owning a home on a caribbean island and having my own business is a huge accomplishment. But with that accomplishment comes another dream being pushed to the side. Temporarily. I have to keep telling myself that. It's only temporary.
I've never been the type of person that could sit still. I'm always on the go and this feeling of permanence is totally fucking with me. I love it here but I have other dreams as well. This is not my "Be all and end all" (That would be Broadway and I am perfect for Rock of Ages) I mean, a girl can have more than one dream right? I seriously had a little panic attack last night. I need to be performing. I need to be on stage. It might sound silly to some but other performers understand....it's a feeling like no other. It's what I have known for so long and now, it's gone. It's not really a part of my life. I'm dealing with the loss of it. I'm acknowledging that I need it and that as much as I love this life, I can't live without it.Instead I'm in a kitchen cooking. So different.
So how do I reconcile my feelings and desires to what I'm living? My hope is that my business is successful and I can go back and forth. Live both parts of me. I mean no one really has just one part of them anyway right? The island loving, bikini wearing, no tv having self is just as much a part of me as the city girl who loves shoes, watching tv and broadway musicals. Maybe I'll just start a theatre company here and teach local kids the songs from RENT. hahahahahha .....I'll play Maureen, naturally :) ! Ooooooooo maybe I'll perform on my deck to the palm trees the songs of Les Miz. I've always wanted to play Eponine. Maybe when I'm in the city, I'll take a break from my television and take off my stilettos and go barefoot....I seriously feel like 2 different people. It's so strange. I'll tell you one thing....it does make me excited to go home. And by "home" I mean which ever place I have not been living. Hopefully my hiatus from Los Angeles won't be too long annnnnnnnnnnnd hopefully I will learn to enjoy where I am at this moment. It's peaceful here and I am happy. Now I must go dig around in the dirt and plant some beautiful basil I am growing. I'll listen to some showtunes as I do it :)
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